Healing
by Shadow's Vale
Summary: Hard to explain. But Olivia has just recently died, and her only child is going through her things. Along the way she learns a lot about her mother and why she died.
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or it's characters. Dick Wolfe does.**

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One box left. That's all that's left. I sit here staring at the last material proof of my mother's existance. I just want to leave it untouched, as if leaving it there will erase the fact she's gone. I of course know that's not possible, but I wish it was. I miss her more than anything in the world. It was hard enough when Dad died. Mom never got out of bed, and when, on a rare occasion, she did, it was for no more than an hour at a time. It took her a whole year to begin to function without him. Uncle George would come over and talk to her for long periods of time, while I was with Aunt Kathy and Eli. When Mom began to function more normally, things started to get better. Uncle George put her on anti-depressents, which seemed to help alot.

By now your probally wondering who I am and what exactly is going on. So I'll help clarify. My name is Serena Jane Benson-Stabler. My parents are Elliot Johnathan Stabler and Olivia LeAnn Stabler, formally Benson. I have three sisters, Maureen Ann Stabler; a veterinarian, Kathleen Lee Stabler; a department store manager, Elizabeth Marie Stabler; a defense attorney, and two brothers Richard Carl Stabler, an Astronomy professer, and Elliot Johnathan Stabler Jr.; an aspiring actor. As for me, I'm studing to become a detective for the NYPD. Both of my parents worked for the Special Victims Unit, and that's where I want to be.

Well now that you know who I am, I guess I should explain my situation. Two and a half years ago, my father was called in on a call. As Captian of the Manhattan SVU, he was in charge, but sometimes acted as detective. They were chasing a man who was on the run and my dad was killed in action. Needless to say, as I mentioned before, Mom didn't take it well. I thought she was doing well, especially recently. She was smiling and laughing again. But six months ago, she overdosed on her anti-depressents, leaving a suiside note on the coffee table. Now I'm an orphan. Seems weird to call myself that. I'm 23 years old. Usually when you think of orphans, you think of a child, but that's what I am now: A 23 year old orphan. I can remember the day my mother died like it just happened yesterday...

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**Hope you guys like this so far. Chapter two is on it's way. Let me know what you guys think. **


	2. The Day Mom Died

**Disclaimer: Still don't own them.**

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The dorms at my school were being fumigated for pests. Somehow there was an infestation of rats and various creepy crawlies. I called Mom a few days before to see if she'd let me stay with her untill they were done. She let me stay in my old room. It was kinda strange. It was left exactly the way it was when I left for college. I felt like a teenager again. It didn't help that Mom made me tomato soup like she use to when I was little. It was kinda nice, though. The last time she made if for me was the last night I spent with my parents before moving into the dorms. Now she was making it for me like a welcome home dinner. I brought most of my things, but some I left in a storage locker. I had alot more stuff now than I did then, and I wasn't sure everything would fit in my tiny room. Mom seemed happy that I was there. Since Dad died, I hadn't seen her smile much, but on this day, that's all she seemed to do.

After bringing my stuff in, I looked in the mirror, so I could fix my hair. Brown and wavy, just like Mom's. In fact, everyone I know has told me I look just like her. Her chocolate brown eyes, her sparkling smile; I've even been told I have her laugh. I remember the first time someone pointed that out to me.

I was eleven years old, and me and Dad were tossing a football in the front yard. Dad was motioning for me to throw him the ball. Sports was his way of explaining sex. He would use all kinds of references of protecting "vulnerable spots" and how the "players" would be coming at me from all sides. I knew what he was trying to get at, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

_"What's so funny, peanut?"_

_"Dad, your using football to try to explain sex to me."_

I continue to laugh. He shakes his head.

_"I also did this with your sister, Maureen."_

_"And I bet she thought you were a goofball too."_

I laugh harder. He just shakes his head and smiles.

_"You know, when you laugh, you remind me of your mother."_

I finish putting my hair up and join Mom in the living room. She's writing in her diary. I head to the kitchen to get something to drink.

"Hey, Mom. You want anything while I'm in here?"

"No. That's ok, Sweetheart. I'm fine."

I pour myself some orange juice. I love orange juice. My dad once told me that he realized he was in love with my mom one day when they shared a glass of orange juice during a case that had some guy stalking her. I always thought that was odd. What's even more odd is that when my parents would get into an arguement, I would wish they would just drink some orange juice and be happy again.

I go back into the living room. Mom's stopped writing. Now she's watching TV. I realize that I never asked her when she first realized she was in love with my dad. So I do.

"Once we were undercover as a married couple, trying to bust some drug dealers who's actions resulted in the death of an infant. Someting about being your dad's wife felt right, even if it was only a job."

I smile. It's now 9 a.m. Mom leaves to run sme errands, leaving me alone in the house. I flip through channels, only to realize there's nothing on. I decide to call up my brother and see what he's up to.

_Ring, Ring_

"Hello?"

"Hey Eli. Whatcha doing?"

"Hey Rena. Not much. Just preparing for an audition at the theatre on Friday."

"For what?"

"A new play called. _"The Sunshine in the Moonlight"._

"What the hell is _"The Sunshine in the Moonlight"?"_

"Well, It's a reference to the brightness one person can bring to a very dark world."

"Uh huh. Interesting. Well good luck with that. I hope you get whatever part your trying for."

"I'm trying out for the part of Quhar, the wise old priest that gives guidence to the lead character."

"Cool. It'll be interesting to see you act like your not a complete airhead."

I laugh.

"Hey, don't forget I'm older than you."

"By only three years."

"I'm still older."

"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Whatever."

I can tell he's smiling, even over the phone.

"Well I've got to go. Got a lot of rehersing to do."

Sigh "Ok. I'll talk to you later. Love you, Skinnybutt."

"Love you too, Pickleskin."

I hang up the phone. I don't remember how we began to call each other that, but it started sometime when we were little. Dad and Kathleen always said we were odd children. Maybe we are.

Mom's back by 10 a.m. ANd we sit and watch the news. My phone alarm goes off at 10:30. I have to get ready for work. I get in the shower. Hot water feels really good on the skin. I reach down for the shampoo. Mmmm vanilla scented. Every time I smell vanilla it reminds me of Uncle Simon and Aunt Dani's wedding.

It was on a Sunday, very warm, with a light breeze. Aunt Dani always wanted an outdoor wedding. She had on a floor lenght, strappless white dress with real flowers pinned to it. Everytime the wind blew, it would hit the flowers and send the scent of vanilla into the air. I was nine years old at the time. Aunt Dani picked me to be the flower girl. I had on a small, pale pink, dress with violet colored flowers along the trim. Aunt Kathy helped me with my hair. It was in a small bun with a real violet pinned into it. If you haven't noticed, Aunt Dani is a big flower lover.

I wash my hair and finish my shower. I get out and begin to dry off. Something on the sink catches my eye. A small butterfly comb. It belonged to Aunt Amy. I don't remember too much about her. I was only five when she died. Uncle Munch was devestated. I've only seen him cry twice in my life. Once when Amy agreed to marry him, and once when to doctors told him she'd died.

I finish drying off and get my uniform out of my bag. I work at Pete's Diner. It's not much, but it's a job. I got dressed and fixed my hair again. I grab my purse and keys and start to head out the door.

"By Mom, I'm off to work."

"Wait, Serena."

I turn to face her. She hugs me and tells me she loves me. I tell her I love her too. She didn't usually do that, but I really didn't question it at the time. I tell her bye again and leave for work.

The diner is especally busy today. We are short one waitress, and it's the lunch rush. Carly and I work very hard to make up for it. About mid-way into my shift, Jose and his friends show up. Carly and I don't like him. He has this bad habbit of grabbing our asses when we pass him, but he leaves excellent tips. Can't wait till I'm a cop, then I can bust him.

Carly and I take a break once the lunch rush is over.

"So how are things going?" She asks me.

"Fine. I'm staying with my mom untill they are done with the dorms."

"Lucky you. I'm staying in a hotel."

"Man, that sucks."

"Yeah. Your lucky you've got family in town."

My boss comes to the front.

"Benson, you need to get home. Something's happened."

I look at Carly with some concern. I collect my things and get into my car. I drive. A sense of fear and antisipation washes over me. _What could have happened?_

When I reach the house, there are cop cars and an ambulance out front. Uncle Fin is standing on the porch. Tears are in his eyes. My eyes water as I aproach him.

"What's going on?" I say, in almost a whisper.

Uncle Fin looks at me.

"It was too late. I couldn't save her."

I swallow. I hear people coming. I turn just in time to see them wheel out the body bag. Tears are streaming down my face as I cry out and collapse into Uncle Fin's arms.

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**Ok. A very sad ending to this chapter. It may be a while for me to get chapter three done, but I'll put it up as soon as possible. Tell me what you think so far.**


	3. The Healing Begins

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything other than this story.**

**Yay! Chapter three. I finally finished it. **

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Uncle Fin held me as I cried. This wasn't happening. There had to be some kind of mistake, I just saw my mother a few hours ago.

"What...happened?" I asked through my sobs.

Uncle Fin just looked at me.

"What happened?" I asked again, my anger escalating.

"She killed herself."

I could feel the color leave me. There's no way this was happening.

"Your wrong. Mom wouldn't do that."

"I'm sorry, Serena, but it's true. She left a note."

"No. She didn't. She couldn't have. She didn't kill herself."

"I know this is hard to understand. I don't understand it either."

He put his hands on my sholders. I shook them off. I turn away and began walking.

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I walked for a long time. I was trying to make some sense out of what happened. _Why would she do this? This wasn't Mom. People who commit suicide are unhappy people. Mom was smiling and happy. It doesn't make any sense._

It was dark before I finally go back home. By then, everyone had gone. All the cops, the medical personel, everyone except Uncle Fin, who was sitting on the porch when I got there. My eyes were red from crying.

"What are you still doing here?"

"Couldn't leave. I had to make sure you came home. I was about to go looking for you if you didn't show up soon."

I nodded. I walked into the house. It seemed foreign. Everything was still in place, but it wasn't the same as before. I entered the living room. I instantly noticed a piece of paper on the coffee table. Uncle Fin must have followed me in and noticed I saw the paper because he told me what it was.

"It's the not she left." He said quietly.

I swallowed hard and tried to hold back my tears. I slowly approched the table. Shaking, I picked up the note. It said:

_"By the time you read this, I'll be gone. Nobody understands what I went through, how hard it's been. Everyone tried to help me, but it was pointless. I was already dead. I stopped living the day God took Elliot away from me. I want everyone to know how much I love them, especially my baby girl. Serena, I know you won't understand, but just know that I'm in a better place now, watching over you with your father._

_Love,_

_Olivia Benson"_

----

For days I did nothing but cry. I didn't sleep, eat, or talk to anyone. Not that they didn't try though. Melinda called me to confirm that my mom had used her anti-depressents to kill herself, and Aunt Kathy and Grandpa Cragen came by everyday, trying to get me to open the door and talk to them, but it was too painful to talk about.

One day, Uncle George decided to use his key and come in instead of leaving me alone.

"Go away!" I snapped.

"I know your angry and upset."

" You don't know anything. Now leave me alone!"

"Your Grandfather has offered to make arrangements for the funeral."

"Fine. Now leave."

"Serena, you need to talk to someone."

"I don't need to talk to anyone." I said, "Especially not you."

He looked confused. "What did I do?"

I shot him a death glare. "If you had done your job right, my mother would still be here."

He nodded. "Your mother could have only been helped if she wanted to be helped."

"DO NOT BLAME HER FOR YOUR INABILITY TO SAVE HER!" I yelled.

He just looked at me. "I'm not blaming her for anything. She was depressed. Your father's death affected her greatly."

"And you don't think it affected me?" I asked.

"I know it did, but you handled it better than she did. She didn't think there was a point in living if your father wasn't with her."

"So you know she was suicidal? Even before she actually went through with it?" I asked, very angrly.

"She only mentioned it once, right after it happened. I watched her carefully. She started to get better, and think more rationally. So I thought it had passed. It's normal to feel that lonely immediatly after a loved one dies. Most people get over it."

"So why didn't Mom?"

"I don't know."

I sat there, looking into space.

----

The next day, I called Grandpa Cragen to thank him for offering to make the funeral arrangements. After I got off the phone, I began to look around. I was going to have to go through Mom's stuff eventually. I took a deep breath. I had no idea where to even begin. I could start with the living room, or I could start with her bedroom. I decided to start in the living room. I called Aunt Casey to see if she could help me get some cardboard boxes. She came over a few hours later with about twenty unfolded cardboard boxes in the back of her SUV.

I decided to start with the books on the shelves by the TV. Some of them looked like they were from the 1800's. Some were about real life crimes, others were romance novels. There were even a few books about police procedures. I decided to donate the books to a local library, with the exception of a few that were Mom's favorites, including _"Birthright"_ by Nora Roberts, and _"The Da Vinci Code"_ by Dan Brown. Aunt Casey offered to help me.

After a few hours of packing books and other assorted items, Aunt Casey and I took a lunch break.

"Did I ever tell you about the time you mother got drunk and started singing karaoke?"

I smile slightly. "No."

Aunt Casey smiled. " Well, it was a few years before you were born, but your mother, Melinda, and myself had gone to a bar to celebrate winning a hard case. Naturally, we had a little alcohol. After about five drinks, your mother proceeds to get up on the stage and sing Shania Twain's _"Any Man Of Mine"_, slurring about a third of the song."

I laugh. "My mother got on a stage and _sang?_"

"Yep. I wish someone would have gotten it on tape. I'd show it to you."

"Did you ever hear her sing when she was sober?"

This time Aunt Casey laughed. "No. Too bad though, even drunk she had a decent singing voice. I can only imagine what she would have sounded like sober."

After lunch, Aunt Casey and I went through more of the living room.

----

It was two weeks before the funeral and I had put off going through more stuff to pick up a dress. I had been working on my mother's eulogy. I was extremely nervous and I was praying I could get through it without losing it completely.

Grandpa Cragen and I decided to put the funeral at a date that would allow the out of town friends and family to get here in time.

Uncle George, Uncle Fin, Aunt Kathy, Kathleen, Eli, Aunt Casey, Uncle Trevor, and Casey and Trevor's two kids all lived in the city. Richard and his boyfriend lived in California, Elizabeth lived in D.C., Uncle Munch lived in Baltimore, Uncle Simon and Aunt Dani lived in Jersey, and Maureen and her husbond lived in Texas.

I was hoping Maureen would be able to come. She had been having complications with her pregnancy and the doctor would have to clear her to come all the way to New York City.

----

I decided to call Aunt Kathy to see if she would drive me to the mall. I didn't feel up to driving, riding is more relaxing. She picked me up a couple of hours later. We go to the mall and found a formal dress shop. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but I did know that I wanted to look nice for Mom. She deserved that much. Aunt Kathy pointed out a few, but they weren't what I wanted. They were more suited for a dinner date. Finally I found it. Floor lenght, turtle neck, long sleeve, and ebony black. I already had some black dress shoes at home.

Aunt Kathy and I left to get something to eat. I was staring out the passanger side window.

"You ok, Serena?" Aunt Kathy asked.

"Yeah. I guess. I'm just nervous about the eulogy. I want it to be perfect. Mom deserves perfect."

"Your mom will think it's perfect as long as it comes from your heart."

I looked at Aunt Kathy and smiled. "How well did you and Mom get along? Kathleen once told me you guys used to hate each other."

Aunt Kathy slowly pulled over and stopped the car. "We didn't hate each other, but we didn't exactly start our relationship on the right foot either. There was a time that I was convinced you father was cheating on me with your mother."

I looked at her puzzled. "How could you think Dad would do that?"

She looked ashamed. "I didn't want to think that. It started when he got her as his new partner. He didn't tell me _"Detective Benson"_ was a woman. I found out three weeks later when I stopped by the precint to give him lunch, and there she was; sitting in his partner's old chair, smiling and laughing with him. I should have known then that they were perfect for each other, but I was too blind to see it at the time."

I nodded as she continued. "I was jealous of your mother. She understood and accepted things about your father I still don't understand to this day. I tried to be friendly to her. I even asked her for help when your father and I were trying to get divorce the first time."

"What made you change your minds?" I asked.

"Eli" Aunt Kathy said. "Your father came to my house one night during an extremely stressfull and difficult case. A few months later, I found out I was pregnant. I asked him to come home for me. He did. We tried to make it work, but after a year, we both knew it wouldn't. We parted ways on a peaceful note and remained friends."

"But what made you change your mind about my mother?"

"When I was pregnant with Eli, your mother offered to take me to a doctor's appointment, since your father was busy with a suspect. As we stopped at a red light, a drunk driver hit my side of the car. Your mother went out of her way to save my life and Eli's. Even after everything, even knowing she was in love with my husbond, she made sure we came through."

"Wow. I had no idea."

Aunt Kathy smiled. "That's also the day I knew it wouldn't work out with your father and me."

"How? How did you know then and why didn't you end it?"

"Your father came to the hospital to see me and Eli. As he was leaving, I could see him in the hallway. I watched him. He talked to your mother for a minute, and turned to leave. She went to follow, but he suddenly turned and hugged her."

"That's it? He hugged her?"

"It wasn't the hug, per-say, it was the look on his face. He was in love with her. He held her for a minute and then they walked out together."

"Ok. If you knew it wasn't going to work, why didn't you end it then?"

"Because in order for your father to be able to move on, it had to come from him, at least partly. So I waited, dropped subtle hints. Eventually, he came to me and told me that he didn't think it was working out. I agreed."

"Oh. I see. That makes since."

"I was happy when I learned he started dating your mother. He was the happiest I'd ever seen him. So was she."

I smiled. We reached home and had lunch.

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**Ok. Chapter four is almost done. I'll get it up as soon as I'm done. Hope you liked this chapter. 4 and 5 are going to be a bit shorter, (at least so far.)**


	4. Closer To The Funeral

**Disclaimer: I only own my brain and the things it comes up with.**

**Sorry Chapter Four is shorter.**

**I'm loving this story. I'm having so much fun writing it. Especially when other people seem to like it too. :)**

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I awoke to a feeling of emptyness. This was one of the harder days. Instictively, I called Uncle George.

_"Hello, Dr. George Huang."_

"Uncle George, are you busy?" I asked quietly.

_"No. What is it, Serena?"_

"I don't know. I just feel so empty this morning."

_"You'll have days like that, but you'll get through them, it just takes time."_ He said soothingly.

"Uncle George, can I ask you something?"

_"Yes."_

"Is it normal for someone to seem happy and then kill themselves?"

_"Yes. Some people seem happy because they have made peace with their decison to take their own life, like your mother. Others are in extreme stress and take their own lives without a second thought."_

"So Mom was at peace with it?"

_"Yes, I believe she was. She had the presence of mind to seem happy and to write a note."_

I nodded to myself. I told him thanks and hung up the phone. I went to my room and worked more on Mom's eulogy...

----

A week and a half untill the funeral. I'm going through more stuff. Uncle Simon and Aunt Dani are staying with me from now untill the funeral. Uncle Simon is at Grandpa Cragen's house, helping with some funeral details, while Aunt Dani is helping me with the stuff in the attic. I'm putting off doing Mom's room untill last.

Aunt Dani brings down three small boxes labled "Knick-Knacks". I open one as she opens another.

"What's this?" She asks, as she holds up a blob of glued macaroni.

I laugh. "That's a macaroni sculpture I made Dad in kindegarden. I figured they'd have thrown that out by now."

Aunt Dani laughed. "Apparently not. Do you remember what it's suppose to be?"

"It's a magical pony." I said laughing harder.

Aunt Dani raised an eyebrow, then shook her head laughing.

We continued to sort through stuff, finding all kinds of stuff along the way. After emptying the boxes, Aunt Dani wrote down everything and I checked off the stuff I was keeping, so we could sort them into seperate boxes.

_Things To Keep_

_Mom's Christmas Bell_

_Dad's Mini Golfer Statue_

_Dad's Tin Of Lost Buttons_

_Mom's Paintbrush Set_

Aunt Dani put the unwanted stuff into one box, while I put the things I was keeping into another. I wanted to learn more about my mom's relationships with the people around her.

"Aunt Dani, how was your relationship with Mom?"

"Ok. I guess. I don't think she ever really liked me, but she was civil with me because I mean so much to Simon."

"Why didn't she like you? I do."

Aunt Dani laughed. "Well, I kinda had this thing for your dad years ago, and she didn't want me anywhere near him."

"You and my dad?" I raised my eyebrow.

"We never dated or anything. He just kissed me once after we had a few drinks. I liked him, but he loved your mother. I was just his temperary fix untill she got back."

"Got back?"

"Yeah. She left for some reason. Later I found out she went undercover for the Feds."

"Oh, yeah. I remember Dad told me about the Fed thing."

Aunt Dani made some tea. "You know, I actually met your mother once and didn't know who she was untill years later."

"Oh really? How'd that happen?" She handed me a cup.

"Well, I was your Dad's partner at the time. Your mother walked in asking for him. I told her he was in interrogation, and offered to help her instead. She said it was ok and asked for the Captian."

"Grandpa Cragen."

"Right. Well, I left the unit shortly after and moved to Jersey. I met Simon at a sushi bar. He told me he had a sister named Olivia, but I didn't know it was the same Olivia. After we got engaged, he wanted me to meet her. We took a trip to New York City and I was surprised when I saw her."

"That must have been akward."

"A little." She said laughing.

----

After Uncle Simon came back, he helped us move some of the larger things I didn't want out of the attic. The only large pieces of furnature I wanted from up there was my old crib, the ceder hope chest, and the rocking chair. Everything else was being donated to a children's shelter.

Later that night, I couldn't sleep so I headed to the living room. I turned on the TV. I flipped through channels. I kept thinking about the eulogy and how it was coming along. Talking to people and going through stuff was helping me find the words I was needing. As I flipped, I found David Letterman on. He was introducing his next guest. It was Mariska Hargitay. I stopped to watch. She was talking about the new season of the cop show she was on. Mom loved that show. Mariska played her favorite detective. After the interview was over, Letterman went off. So did my TV. I went back to bed and tried to get some sleep.

----

Friday. Uncle Simon and I are going through the movies and such in the living room. After this, all that remains is Mom's room. We find movies I haven't seen anyone watch in my entire life and a couple with the plastic wrap still on them. I decided to let everyone else pick from the movies I wasn't keeping. I found a box wedged between two bookshelves of movies. Opening it, I discover the home movies are in it.

I tell Uncle Simon I want to stop and watch a few. Some are labled and some are not. I find a tape labled "Wedding". I put it in. It's the video of my parents wedding. Mom looks like an angel. Her dress is white. The sleeves are long, made of lace, and go off the sholder. The dress has lace over the white material that goes all the way to the floor and into a train. Her hair is put up in an eloquent bun. Her face is covered by a lace veil. She is carring a bouquet of light pink roses. Her eyes are sparkling as she walks down the isle.

My eyes start to water. I miss her smile and her presence. She always could make someone else feel safe and happy, even when she didn't herself. Uncle Simon is crying, but smiling.

"What's your best memory of Mom?"

"That's a tough question to answer." He said.

"Did you two have a lot in common?"

"Sort of. We both liked helping people, crime shows, and popsicles."

I smile. "How does popsicles go with the other two things?"

"It doesn't. It's just something we had in common." He laughed.

"Her favorite flavor wa lime wasn't it?" I ask, smiling again.

"Yep, but she didn't get those too often because you always ate them first."

I grin for a moment, but then I stop. "I wish I'd had let her have them more often."

"Don't beat yourself up over something you can't control."

"It's just that there are so many things I wish I'd have done differently."

"Me too. We all do." He said solemly.

We put in another video. It's labled "Serena". I quickly learn it's my birth on film. Not exactly something I wanted to see. I fast forward past the actual birth and watch as Mom and Dad show me off to the camera.

"Do you know who filmed that?" I asked.

"Your Grandpa did."

"Where were you?"

"Not there yet. The subway was delayed because of track repairs."

"Aww. That sucks."

"Yeah, but I did come to see you."

I continue watching as Mom kisses my forehead and plays with my hand. I put the home videos away. I definately want to keep them.

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**Ok. Chapter 5 is on it's way. I love writing the wedding description. Tell me what you guys think of the story so far.**


	5. More About Mom

**Disclaimer:( They aren't mine. I wish they were though.**

**Thanks everyone for the great feedback. I'm already thinking about a new story I might write. Hope you all like this chapter.**

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Only three days untill the funeral. Everyone has gotten into town with the exception of Maureen and her husbond. The doctor released her to come, but insisted she wait as long as possible before traveling. She called earlier to say they were now headed to the airport ans should be here tomorrow.

I keep putting off Mom's room.

Aunt Dani and Uncle Simon had left to go shopping, but Uncle Munch was keeping me company.

"Hey Uncle Munch. I found something I think you'll want." I handed him the butterfly comb. I can tell his eyes are watering, even through his black sunglasses.

"Amy gave this to you. You keep it."

"I loved Aunt Amy, but not as much as you did. I want you to keep it." He smiled and nodded.

"Thank you." He said.

----

Uncle Trevor and Aunt Casey came over a few hours later to see how I was doing. I was happy to have an excuse not to go through Mom's room. However, that was short-lived when Uncle Trevor asks how much stuff I had left to go through.

"Um. Just Mom's room." I said, hoping he'd drop it.

"Well, we've got some time to kill, so why don't I help you with that."

I didn't say anything. "Serena? Do you want me to help you?"

"I suppose." I said reluctently.

Uncle Trevor followed me into Mom's room, as did Aunt Casey and Uncle Munch.

"Hope you don't mind if we help too." Aunt Casey said.

"No, I don't." I said.

----

First off was Mom's small bookshelf. Most of these books were ones I wanted to keep. One book by Ellen DeGeneres, and the entire Harry Potter collection. I never would have pegged my mom as the Harry Potter type, but...

I put the books in the living room on the shelf with the others I kept, and put the ones I didn't want into the box with the other rejects. As I re-entered Mom's room, Uncle Munch handed me Mom's diary. I take it in hand, and just look at it. The size of a small book, blue velvet, with a small silver lock, Mom's diary stares up at me. "No key?" I said, distracted.

"We haven't found it yet." Aunt Casey said.

I put the diary on the dresser, and began to go through Mom's jewlrey box. Everthing in it had some sentimental value to it. The small golden locket (Dad got Mom for their tenth anniversery), the pear earrings (Aunt Kathy helped me buy for Mom's birthday), and the silver choker with the dime sized, teardrop shaped diamond hanging from it (Dad bought that one on their twentyith anniversery, the last one before he died.) I keep the whole box.

Uncle Trevor finds a music box in one of the side drawers of her nightstand.

"Where did Mom get that?"

"I have no idea. I just assume she bought it, or your father bought it for her." Uncle Trevor said.

He turned it over and read the description.

_"Dearest Olivia,_

_I know I failed at winning your heart, but I don't want you to forget me. Here's a small gift I want you to have. It's your favorite song._

_Forever Yours,_

_Dean"_

"Who's Dean?" I asked.

"The guy who was in charge of your mother when she was helping the Feds." Aunt Dani said from behind me.

"He had a thing for Mom?"

"Yeah, but she didn't share the same feelings. He put up a fight for you mom though." Uncle Munch said.

----

We continue to work on Mom's room. Between the six of us, we got it done quite quickly. As we were going through the closet, I found a box, made of plastic, purple lid, with a yellow handle and yellow close tabs. On top was a note in my mother's handwritting: _" I thought I'd make it easier for you."_ I open it. Inside were a collection of diaries, presumably, all Mom's. I put the blue velvet one inside and close it. I'd go through them later.

----

Maureen and her husbond showed up the next day. Only being three months along, Maureen wasn't even showing yet, but she was threatning to miscarry the baby on a weekly basis.

"My doctor has refered me to someone up here, so I can be monitored closely." She told me.

"Glad you could make it." I told her.

"Of course I was going to be here. Olivia was like a second mother to me."

Everyone gathred at the house, under my request. I wanted to know more about their perception of my mother.

"Loved her." Richard said. "She was one of the few people that supported me when I told Dad I was gay. I was afraid he'd flip out, but he was calm. Even so, I still wouldn't have had the courage to stand-up and tell him without her."

"Olivia was always supportive of others. As long as whatever it was, was legal." Kathleen remarked.

Melinda laughed. "I remember once, Olivia was at a bar and this guy, I can't remember his name, came up to her and started flirting with her. She told him she wasn't interested, but he wouldn't let up, so she flashed her badge and told him if he kept it up, she was going to collar him for harrasment. The guy went ghost white, said _"Sorry officer"_, and left."

We all laughed. That sounded like something I would do. Jose suddenly came to mind.

"One thing I'm thankful for is that Olivia finally let go of the fear of her 'bad genes'." Uncle Fin said.

"Bad genes? Why did she think she had bad genes?" I asked.

Everyone's faces fell. They looked at each other, then looked at me. I stared back. I stared back.

"Did she ever tell you about her bio-logical father?" Grandpa Cragen asked carefully.

"About him being a rapist?" I asked. Uncle Simon shifted in his seat.

"Yes. Did she ever tell you about what happened to her mother?"

"She fell down the subway steps and broke her neck." I said, unclear as to what he was getting at. Then it hit me. "She was raped." I said, suddenly feeling frozen.

"Yes, and your mother was the result."

I stood there frozen.

"She was afraid she carried some bad gene that had the potential to make her or her children violent, but you helped put those fears to rest."

"How?" I asked, still semi-frozen.

"Your mother could tell you were the sweetest, most gentle person she'd ever met." Grandpa Cragen said smiling. He put a reassuring hand on my sholder. I smiled. It felt good knowing I made Mom feel better, just by being here. I was begining to understand the demons that haunted my mother.

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**Hope you all liked this chapter. What do you think about the pairings I did? Casey-Trevor, Simon-Dani, Munch-Amy, Elliot-Olivia. Chapter six is still in the works. I think it's going to be one of my favorite chapters to write. Please leave feedback. It's nice to hear from my readers. :)**


	6. Dear Diary

**Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own them.**

**AN: I obviously didn't write out EVERY entry in Olivia's diaries, just certian ones.**

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After everyone left the house, Aunt Dani and Uncle Simon decided to turn in for the night. Unable to sleep, which had become a regular occurence, I went into Mom's room and retrieved the box of diaries. Uncle Trevor had found the key to the blue velvet one lying under Mom's pillow. The keys to the others were taped to their respective diaries. It took me a few minutes to put them in order by year. The earliest diary dated back to her first year in the Special Victims Unit. I began to read. The first diary was light purple.

_"Dear Diary,_

_Today was my first day at SVU. I met my new partner, Elliot Stabler. He's quite attractive, but unfortuately, he's married. We seem to get along, though, which is refreshing. He asked me what made me choose Special Victims. I couldn't tell him. I just said I had my reasons. If he knew the truth, he'd...well I don't know exactly what he'd do, but I'm certian it wouldn't be good..."_

_"Dear Diary,_

_So, I told Elliot the truth. He was so sweet. He apologized for being nosiy and said he didn't mean to upset me. I told him he didn't, and he smiled and said "Oh good." I couldn't help but smile back. He didn't treat me any different the rest of the day either. Sometimes Elliot amazes me..."_

I read the two next diaries, one green with yellow stars, and the other solid maroon. The fourth diary was pink with red and white hearts on it.

_"Dear Diary,_

_We lost an infant today. Somehow, cocanie ended up in a baby formula can his mother borrowed. They're checking the serial numbers on the cans to determine where they came from..."_

_"Dear Diary,_

_We found out the cans came from Mexico, but the suspect was murdered at work today. Elliot and I are going undercover to try to find out who's at the top. We leave for Forest Hills today..."_

_"Dear Diary,_

_I must be losing my mind. I've fallen in love with my parter. There we were, undercover, and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of being Elliot's wife. I looked down at the ring on my finger and wished it were really mine. He's married, plus he's my partner at work. Nothing can happen between us, but I can't imagine not seeing him everyday. I'll just love him from afar..."__  
_

I smile. Mom had no idea Dad was already in love with her by then. I finish up with that diary. It's late and I need some sleep. I'll read more tomorrow.

------

Two Days untill the funeral. I'm almost done with the eulogy. I've just got to nip and tuck it a little more. I take the whole day and read more of Mom's diaries.

_"Dear Diary,_

_Kathy and I were in an accident today. I thought she'd died, but thank God she didn't. Elliot wouldn't be able to take it. As El and I were leaving the hospital, he suddenly turned and hugged me. He just held me in his arms for a moment, but it seemed like time stood still. Oh, God! Doesn't he know what he's doing to me? Damn him! I don't know how much longer I can do this. My heart aches for him more everyday..."_

Tears well up in my eyes. Mom was head over heels for Dad. I smile as I close the diary. I grab my coat and keys and the box and head out to the car. I drive to the park and sit in Mom's favorite spot. I look aut at the kids playing. I continue to read more diaries.

_"Dear Diary,_

_I'm so nervous. El and I are going on our first offical date. I'm shaking. I don't know why. I've know El for years now, but I feel like an insecure teenager again. I keep taking deep breaths, but it doesn't seem to help. I can't decide on what to wear or what to do with my hair or anything. Oh, God, I think I'm going to be sick..."_

I knew exactly where Mom was coming from. I'm always that nervous on a first date.

_"Dear Diary,_

_I feel like I've got wings. I had the most magical night of my life. First, El picked me up right on time. He drove to the resteraunt and opened the door for me and even pulled out my chair. After dinner, he told me he had a suprise for me. He made me keep my eyes closed untill we got there. He guided me into a building and up some stairs. When he said I could open my eyes, we were on the roof of the precint with two lawn chairs and a cooler. I looked at him a little puzzled. He asked me to sit with him. After a few minutes, the Fourth Of July fireworks show started. It was so beautiful from here. I smiled as he reached out and grabbed my hand. After the show was over, he drove me home. As I told him goodnight, he leaned down and kissed me. I felt my insides melt instantly..."_

I've got tears falling down my cheeks as I'm smiling. Aunt Kathy showed up.

"I stopped by the house, but Dani told me you'd left. What are you doing here?" Suddenly noticing the tears. She asked "Oh Serena, are you ok?"

"Yeah." I said quietly. "I'm just reading Mom's diaries. I just read about her first date with Dad?"

"What made you come here to read them?"

"It was one of the places Mom would come to think things out. I just needed that same solitude she found here."

"Oh, well if you need to be alone, I'll go. I just came to tell you, Maureen's doctor has told her she can't travel untill the baby is born. She's ging to have to stay in New York for a while."

"Ok. Tell her she's welcome to stay with me after Uncle Simon and Aunt Dani leave."

"Ok. I will. I'll leave you to your solitude." She kissed my forehead and left. I went back to reading.

_"Dear Diary,_

_I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! Elliot proposed!! Oh, my God! I can't believe this actually happening to me. He came into work, as usual, with a box of donuts and some coffee. As we were enjoying our breakfast, El handed me a fortune cookie. I looked at him kinda funny and asked him what it was for. He told me just to open it. As I cracked it open, a diamond ring fell onto my desk. My jaw dropped as he picked it up and got down on one knee. Right in front of everyone in the precint, he asked me to marry him. All I could do was nod as the tears poured from my eyes..."_

I finished the entry and put a bookmark in it. I got into the car and drove home. When I got there, Uncle Simon had already made dinner.

"Hey sweetie." Aunt Dani said.

"Hey"

"Where've you been all day?"

"Park."

"Needed to clear your head?" Uncle Simon asked.

"Yeah. Something like that."

I helped Aunt Dani set the table. After dinner, I curled up in my bed and continued to read.

_"Dear Diary,_

_I think I might be pregnant. I've missed my period two months in a row. That's very unusual for me. I've bought a test, I'm just waiting. If I am pregnant, I don't know what I'm going to do. I want kids, I just don't want to have a kid who will turn out like my father. I was lucky enough not to turn out like him, but what if my child isn't as lucky?...I't's positive. Ok, gotta stop and breathe. I've got to call El..."_

_"Dear Diary,_

_It's a girl!! She's so tiny and precious. El can't stop fussing over her. We named her Serena Jane Benson-Stabler. Serena from my mom and Jane from Elliot's. He insisted on attatching 'Benson' to her. He said he fell in love with a strong, independent, loving woman, and he wanted his baby girl to be just like me. I'm not so sure about that. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy. She has my eyes. I feel like the most blessed person on earth right now..."_

I start to cry again. I close the diary and go to sleep.

----

The funeral is tomorrow. I'm almost done with the diaries. I want to finish them today. I begin to read. The page looks like it's been wet, then dried.

_"Dear Diary,_

_My world has come crashing down. Elliot is gone. Just like that. I knew his job was dangerous, but I didn't think he'd...be taken from me like this. Why? Why my Elliot? What did he do to deserve this? Why couldn't it have been me instead? Why? I can't stop crying. The world is so dark. I can't do this. Not without him..."_

I swallow, trying to maintain my composure. I continue to read. As I reach the very last entry, my eyes widen.

_"Dear Serena,_

_I hope you found the box of diaries. I knew you would want to try to understand why I did this. I decided I would make it a little easier for you by putting them all in one place. I hope, after reading them, you understand it's not your fault. When your father died, I lost an important part of myself. I couldn't live without him. I tried, I really did, but after the second year passed, I realized it wasn't working. I had nothing left to live for. Your father was the love of my life and my soul mate. He was gone. You were grown. You didn't need me anymore. You became the strong, independent, and caring woman your father and I raised you to be. I knew it was time for me to be with your father again. I was going to ask you to stay with me for a few days, but the fumigation brought you home anyway. I made you your favorite childhood meal, and just spent some time with you. I wanted to give you a hug and tell you I love you before you left for work. I knew i would be the last time you'd ever see me. I love you, babygirl. Your father and I will always be there watching over you. Never forget that._

_Love,_

_Mom_

I curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep.

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**I hope you like this chapter. I tried to make the last entry touching, but I'm not sure how well it came out. All reviews welcome!**


	7. The Funeral

**Disclaimer: sigh Why do I have to be constatly reminded they aren't mine?**

**AN: I had a knot in my stomache (just like Serena) the whole time I was writing this chapter. I was (again like Serena) nervous on how the eulogy would turn out. Please everyone who reads this chapter, tell me what you think about it (the eulogy in specific).**

**I would also like to thank Nalaa, ****Hkitty9013,**** Alexandra-Casey-Olivia and others for the reviews. As long as I know someone is reading this, I'll keep updating and writing. :)**

**(Btw someone asked about when this story takes place. Eli was born in 2007, he's 3 years older than Serena, and Serena is 23, making him 26. So about 26 years from now? lol)**

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**8:00 A.M** My Alarm goes off. I rub my eyes and it takes me a few minutes to realize what day it is. The funeral's today. I have a knot in my stomache. I get up and head to the shower.

**8:20 A.M:** I get out of the shower and put on one of Mom's sweatshirts, socks, and a pair of sweatpants.

**8:25 A.M:** I walk into the living room. Aunt Dani is there. She looks up at me and tries to smile. I try to smile back, but fail. Uncle Simon is still in bed.

**8:45 A.M:** I'm curled up on my side, lying on the couch. Aunt Dani is in the kitchen making breakfast, Uncle Simon is in the shower.

"Serena, come get something to eat."

I don't look at her. "I'm not hungry."

"Sweetie, you need to eat."

I just shook my head. Aunt Dani sighed.

**9:00 A.M:** Uncle Simon and Aunt Dani eat breakfast. They're talking quietly, but I can still hear them.

"Si, she needs to eat something. We just can let..."

"Yes, we can and that's exactly what we're going to do. If she's not feeling up to eating, then we shouldn't force her. Olivia wouldn't."

"I know." Aunt Dani sighed. "I'm just worried about her."

"I am too, but she'll come to someone when she's ready, untill then, we'll just keep an eye on her."

I knew what he ment by that. He was afraid I'd commit suicide just like my mother did. I shifted.

**9:30 A.M:** I finally get off the couch. Aunt Dani keeps watching me. I go to my room. I curl up on my bed and just stare out the window.

**10:45 A.M:** Grandpa Cragen comes over. I hear him talking to Uncle Simon. There's a knock at my door. I tell them to come in, never taking my eyes off the sky. Grandpa Cragen comes into my room.

"Hey there." he says.

"Hey" I reply, still looking outside.

"How you holden up?"

I take a deep breath. "Ok, I guess."

"Your going to do fine."

I smile a little. Somehow he always knew what I was thinking. He put his hand on my sholder.

**12:00 P.M:** Only four hours untill the funeral starts. Aunt Dani, Uncle Simon, and myself start to change. I put on my dress and shoes. I fix my hair. As I look in the mirror, I break into tears.

**2:30 P.M:** Aunt Dani, Uncle Simon, and I get into the car. I have the folder with the eulogy inside. My knot gets tighter.

**3:07 P.M:** We arrive at the church. Grandpa Cragen is already there. His eyes are red. I walk toward the front. The casket is a few feet away, and open. I stop moving. Aunt Dani puts her hand on my sholder. The knot in my stomache is becoming unbareable. I feel like vomiting. I'm visibly shaking. I take a step, then another. I swallow hard. Breathing becomes difficult. Finally, I'm standing there, looking at my mother's lifeless face. She just looks like she's sleeping. Wearing a beautiful white gown, hands folded on her stomache. I can taste the salt from my tears. My shaking increases. I blinked my eyes and swallowed hard again. Then I turned and took a seat in the front row.

**3:20 P.M:** People fill the church. Police officers, people my mother helped, of course the family and friends, and even some lawyers and judges. Anyone who's life was touched by my mother in some way. I now stand in front of my chair. People coming up to offer condolinces. I smile the best I can and thank them.

**3:55 P.M:** Five minutes before I give the eulogy. I'm feeling dizzy and sick. I take a deep breath, stand up, and walk to the podium.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Family and Friends,

Thank you all for coming. It would have warmed my mother's heart to know so many people cared. My mother, Olivia LeAnn Benson, was born on January 23, 1968 to Serena Emily Benson in New York City. As a product of rape, my mother grew up with an absent father and an alcoholic mother, but despite everything she endured in her childhood, she grew up to become one of the finest detectives in the New York Police Department. She used her life experiances and unlimited compassion to help so many people, giving them the strenght they otherwise would not have had. God blessed her in return, by giving her a husbond who would have given her the world if he could and a child who helped her overcome one of her darkest fears. She was surrounded by a loving family of friends.

Since my mother's death, I have tried to understand why she did what she did, and I have no clear answer other than she was at peace with her decison. I talked to man people, most of which were very close to her. I even read the diaries my mother left behind. I heard stories about my mother singing in bars, eating lime popsicles, and just loving life. I also heard how my mother put her own life on the line to save the life of my brother and his mom, even when she didn't have to. My mother also put her own feelings aside for the sake of her brother's when he married someone she wasn't very fond of. My mother supported everyone around her, no matter what it was, and she is greatly missed by all.

Mom, I know you are looking down on us today and watching over us in death, just as you did in life. I know now that the demons that haunted you have gone and you are now at peace. I'll look to the heavens in my darkest hours and know your there to guide me. There is only one thing that's left to say, and it's the hardest thing for me. Good-Bye, Mom. Know that your in our prayers and that you'll never be forgotten."

The crowd applauds as I step back, crying for the hundreth time today.

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**Takes deep breath What did you guys think of the eulogy? I really hope it's good. :)**


	8. Back To Introduction

**Disclaimer: Nope. Unfortunately.**

**AN: Ok, The last two chapters to this are REALLY short. I am sorry for this, but there really was too much left to do other than wrap things up and tie up loose ends.**

**------------------------------------------------------**

So as I mentioned before, I'm now an orphan. I now wait for the delivery guy to come back up and pick up the last box of books for the library. I get off the couch. Maureen waddles into the living room. She's due to have the baby any day now. I offer to make her some tea, but she insists she can do it. Stubborn, like Dad. I smile to myself as I sip my tea. The delivery guy's back, he's taken the last box into his hands. I watch it as it dissappears around the corner. That's it. It's done. All of Mom's stuff has been sorted and some of it sent to new homes.

"Maureen, are you scared?" I ask.

"About labor?"

I nod.

"Honestly, a little." She smiles. "Don't worry. You've got six months left to go."

I smile and look down at my stomache. I hope it's a girl. I want to name her after Mom, just like I was named after my grandmothers.

----

It was 6 P.M. when Maureen's water broke. Her husbond and I got the things in the car and headed to the hospital. Only her husbond is allowed to go into the delivery room. I have to sit in the waiting room. I call the rest of the family to let them know and then I call my boyfriend, Joe, to keep me company.

_"She's having the baby now?"_

"Yeah. They've been back there for about twenty minutes." I can tell Joe's smiling over the phone.

_"In a few months, it'll be us back there."_ I smile.

----

Maureen's husbond came into the waiting room an hour later.

"It's a boy!"

The waiting room, which is now full, cheered and congradulated him. i asked him what they named him.

"Alexander Elliot" he said proudly. I smiled and called Joe to tell him the great news.

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**So what did you all think? Now, orignally I didn't plan on Serena being pregnant, but someone wanted to see Serena as a mom and this was the closest I was going to be able to get. This addition also inspired me to write chapter nine, which was also not orignally the plan.**

**If you read, please leave a review. :)**


	9. Just like Mom

**Disclaimer: shakes head Nada.**

**AN: Ok, part of chapter 8 and this one was inspired by Nalaa. (Hope you like my attempt to show you a little of Serena as a mom.)**

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_"Dear Diary,_

_My first day at SVU was today. I decided to start keeping a diary starting today, just like my mother did. I met my partner Carl Johnson, and we seem to get along nicely. My daughter's first day of school was also today. She had so much fun. She looks so much like her grandmother. Joe jokes that you can't even tell he has a part in making her. Olivia loves her daddy. He's the first person she runs to when she has something to tell us. I just smile. He loves her so much. Hopefully one day she'll grow up to find someone who loves her as much as her grandpa loved her grandma and as much as her father loves me._

_Love,_

_Serena Jane O'Malley"_

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**What did you all think? I hope you guys don't mind too much at the lenght of the last two chapters. Their more like mini-chapters. Hahaha. Any way. Hope all who read this story enjoyed it. If you read, please leave a review.**

**Love,**

**Sparkling Dolphin**


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